Ask Goose Archives

q: Is it true that drummers have more fun? What kind of fun are we talking about? Where did you get the nick name Goose? You look like more of a gander to me!

a: Drummers have all kinds of fun, as they are the coolest and most important members of any band. As Phil Collins once said, "You can have a bad band with a good drummer and it will still sound good". Zero Pit is a living example of this, (just kidding boys!) As far as the name "Goose" goes, it's a name all the males on my father's side of the family have always had. I had people calling me that since first grade. It is derived from the Italian "Seguso", (pronounced, "seh-goose-oh"), which translated means, "well-hung Italian studmuffin".

q: Goose, my leg hair grows. . .I mean, alot. I've got hairy legs. If I shave, like girls do, then that would be suck. Can I just be proud of this thing?

a: You on the ball there, son??? If you're into shaving your legs, I got a bar in San Francisco that you should frequent!!! I suggest you look down at your crotch too, so you can see that your supposed to have leg hair!!! If you feel you must shave however, use Mach III. It's just good.

a: The most disgusting thing I ever see at work on an almost daily basis is the variety of shriveled up asses that peek out to me from those fucking hospital gowns that don't cover up anything!!! Thank God the opening is in the back, though not by much!!! There's nothing like lumpy ass to wake you up first thing in the morning!!! I'd rather see them crack a chest open then see some ugly ass at 7 a.m. It doesn't quite work before morning coffee!!!

a: Hmmmmmn???.........wha???........oh, sorry! I didn't hear your question. I was busy getting bronskied by Wendy Whoppers!!! Could you repeat the question???

a: OK! The limit is reached!!! The average length of one unbroken piece of shit is about 6 inches, exactly half the length of my schlong!

a: Hey Look!, I can't help your incontinence problem, ok? Don't fuckin' push all your problems off on........ oh... sorry... I thought it was Flip. Uh, yeah, uh, I think it's because of the direction of the wind...or maybe the same feeling your privates get when touching that cold, cold porcelain.

q: Why, when they are going to execute a guy via lethal injection, do they swab the spot where they are going to inject the needle with alcohol? Are they afraid he'll get an infection?

q: Yes. All the dead with Hell as their destination MUST be sterilized. It's on their boarding pass. Prison officials also want to prevent Quato-like characters, (see "Total Recall"), from forming due to an infection coupled with the lethal serum.

q: Hey Goose, I've just been in contact with a guy I knew in Jr. High School that I haven't seen in 24 years. I live in California and he lives in NY. He says he still loves me and wants me to pack all my crap in a rental truck, drive all the way across the country and move in with him in NY. I still love him too and said okay. I'm I crazy or can something like this work out? Whaddaya think?

a: Nooooooo!!! Are you crazy??? This guy has obviously turned into a cyber-predator. He probably looks like George "The Animal" Steele on crack and likes to soak himself in lamp oil. I highly recommend not going through with this. I know a nice Jewish accountant. Let me set you two up! I'll be in touch.

q: Why is it called taking a dump, and not leaving a dump? ...I mean, you're not really taking it anywhere...

a: Alright people, I have a three shit question limit, and this is number two. I suppose that if we really, really wanted to, we could pack up the poop and take it with us. Hell, the wise and powerful G.G. Allin lived totally with that philosophy, so maybe he was a pioneer in that regard. Me? I live by the philosophy of "you can't take it with you", so all my shit stays with me...well, not WITH me, but you get the idea.

q: Why is it that when a goat eats grass, it shits little pellets, but when a horse eats grass it shits briquettes?

q: Do you think it's right if a guy that you really like, after telling you that he really likes you too, decides that just because you dont practice the same religion as him, the two of you can't be together? How can I make him see that he's being close-minded?

a: Well, you can do one of two things. You can either give him a very swift foot in the ass, preferably with a steel-toed boot, or you could do the more mature and grown up thing and try to reach some sort of compromise. Show him that there can be real common moral ground between you both, no matter what different faiths each one of you practices. Now if we can only do that with the election situation in Florida!

a: No. Get used to it. Unnamed sources at JAMA have told me exclusively about your condition and family history, and I along with them agree that nothing can be done. As a matter of fact, I say enhance it! Show it off!. Whip it out at parties in a drunken stupor in front of your friends!. I hear that rashes are going to be in next year. They already are in Europe, especially on the hottest, sexiest beaches, the latest rage in body art. Think of it as you have a head start on the in-crowd!


	Slightly Irregular \| home Ask Goose Archives \| Directions Ask Goose Archives q: Is it true that drummers have more fun? What kind of fun are we talking about? Where did you get the nick name Goose? You look like more of a gander to me! a: Drummers have all kinds of fun, as they are the coolest and most important members of any band. As Phil Collins once said, "You can have a bad band with a good drummer and it will still sound good". Zero Pit is a living example of this, (just kidding boys!) As far as the name "Goose" goes, it's a name all the males on my father's side of the family have always had. I had people calling me that since first grade. It is derived from the Italian "Seguso", (pronounced, "seh-goose-oh"), which translated means, "well-hung Italian studmuffin". q: Goose, my leg hair grows. . .I mean, alot. I've got hairy legs. If I shave, like girls do, then that would be suck. Can I just be proud of this thing? a: You on the ball there, son??? If you're into shaving your legs, I got a bar in San Francisco that you should frequent!!! I suggest you look down at your crotch too, so you can see that your supposed to have leg hair!!! If you feel you must shave however, use Mach III. It's just good. q: What was the most disgusting thing that you saw at work? a: The most disgusting thing I ever see at work on an almost daily basis is the variety of shriveled up asses that peek out to me from those fucking hospital gowns that don't cover up anything!!! Thank God the opening is in the back, though not by much!!! There's nothing like lumpy ass to wake you up first thing in the morning!!! I'd rather see them crack a chest open then see some ugly ass at 7 a.m. It doesn't quite work before morning coffee!!! q: Why is it that men are so obsessed with breasts.? a: Hmmmmmn???.........wha???........oh, sorry! I didn't hear your question. I was busy getting bronskied by Wendy Whoppers!!! Could you repeat the question??? q: What's the average length of one unbroken piece of shit?? a: OK! The limit is reached!!! The average length of one unbroken piece of shit is about 6 inches, exactly half the length of my schlong! q: Why is it that when you go outside and it is very cold, you always get the urge to pee? a: Hey Look!, I can't help your incontinence problem, ok? Don't fuckin' push all your problems off on........ oh... sorry... I thought it was Flip. Uh, yeah, uh, I think it's because of the direction of the wind...or maybe the same feeling your privates get when touching that cold, cold porcelain. q: Why, when they are going to execute a guy via lethal injection, do they swab the spot where they are going to inject the needle with alcohol? Are they afraid he'll get an infection? q: Yes. All the dead with Hell as their destination MUST be sterilized. It's on their boarding pass. Prison officials also want to prevent Quato-like characters, (see "Total Recall"), from forming due to an infection coupled with the lethal serum. q: Hey Goose, I've just been in contact with a guy I knew in Jr. High School that I haven't seen in 24 years. I live in California and he lives in NY. He says he still loves me and wants me to pack all my crap in a rental truck, drive all the way across the country and move in with him in NY. I still love him too and said okay. I'm I crazy or can something like this work out? Whaddaya think? a: Nooooooo!!! Are you crazy??? This guy has obviously turned into a cyber-predator. He probably looks like George "The Animal" Steele on crack and likes to soak himself in lamp oil. I highly recommend not going through with this. I know a nice Jewish accountant. Let me set you two up! I'll be in touch. q: Why is it called taking a dump, and not leaving a dump? ...I mean, you're not really taking it anywhere... a: Alright people, I have a three shit question limit, and this is number two. I suppose that if we really, really wanted to, we could pack up the poop and take it with us. Hell, the wise and powerful G.G. Allin lived totally with that philosophy, so maybe he was a pioneer in that regard. Me? I live by the philosophy of "you can't take it with you", so all my shit stays with me...well, not WITH me, but you get the idea. If this is no help, I refer you to George Carlin's riff on the subject. Heads out of the toilet people! q: Why is it that when a goat eats grass, it shits little pellets, but when a horse eats grass it shits briquettes? a: Because each species has evolved a different Play-Doh stencil on it's ass. Don't you know anything???!!! q: Do you think it's right if a guy that you really like, after telling you that he really likes you too, decides that just because you dont practice the same religion as him, the two of you can't be together? How can I make him see that he's being close-minded? a: Well, you can do one of two things. You can either give him a very swift foot in the ass, preferably with a steel-toed boot, or you could do the more mature and grown up thing and try to reach some sort of compromise. Show him that there can be real common moral ground between you both, no matter what different faiths each one of you practices. Now if we can only do that with the election situation in Florida! q: Will this rash ever go away? a: No. Get used to it. Unnamed sources at JAMA have told me exclusively about your condition and family history, and I along with them agree that nothing can be done. As a matter of fact, I say enhance it! Show it off!. Whip it out at parties in a drunken stupor in front of your friends!. I hear that rashes are going to be in next year. They already are in Europe, especially on the hottest, sexiest beaches, the latest rage in body art. Think of it as you have a head start on the in-crowd!